Having been in practice and consultation for over two decades, I'd like to give a little back, or pay a little forward. My plan is to share some of what I have I learned about psychology and people, particularly about what really works and what really doesn't when it comes to personal and relationship change.
The first reality is that change is hard. Most of the time people coming into my office are not saying, "The reason I'm here doc, is to learn what I can do to get better results in my life." What people are usually asking is, "Doc, how can I keep doing what I'm already doing and get different results? Or, "How can I change other people so that I can have a more enjoyable life?" The most critical step in successful therapy is what is clinically called "self focus." Self focus is when the person seeking change pulls back the energy he or she has invested in changing others and re-invests that energy into changing himself or herself.
Accepting that the only person we can change is ourselves, isn't easy. The most common way we respond to anxiety is to blame someone else. "I'm depressed because you aren't affectionate." "I'm angry because you were late." "I have no self-confidence because my parents were cold people." See how easy those phrases roll off the tongue? We are used to blaming others. We are accustomed to thinking if we traded out our spouse or our families, we would automatically be happier. Self focus is step one of improving your life. And it's a very big step.
Barbara Rice DeShong, Ph.D.
A Psychologist on the Loose
http://www.mysteryshrink.com
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